X Factor 2009 – Week 6 (Performances)

I told you we hadn’t heard the last of it.

The bizarre end to last week’s result show inevitably prompted a flurry of column inches and wild conspiracy theories as to Simon Cowell’s motives in not binning the twins at the first opportunity he was given and as a result sending home someone who appears to be universally regarded as one of the more talented contenders in the competition.

I should point out from the outset that much of this is patent nonsense. Any argument that somehow the fix is on and that a scheme is afoot to make sure that the terrible two make it to the end so they can either win outright or, as some would have you believe, so that they will present an easy black and white choice between themselves and the true winner. Such speculation inevitably ignores the fact that the one variable the producers cannot control is the public vote. However much we might complain about the machinations of the judges or the producers behind the scenes, we still get to choose who the 2 acts are who are in line for the chop.

The one unanswered question really is just how much did the judges know about which way the vote had gone last week, and so was Simon making his final choice with the full knowledge about what the consequences would be? Even if he did know, the actions of the panel before him in voting 2-1 for the twins to go home meant he had little room for manoeuvre in his choice, as whichever act he chose would have gone. Suggestions that it was all a grand conspiracy simply don’t hold up. For all the talk of how Lucie was clearly one of the most talented and a “threat” somehow to the other acts, the fact remains that she didn’t actually have anyone voting for her last week. Just like when Laura White got an early bullet last year, it may well have been a shock to see someone who could sing better than many of the rest eliminated, but the numbers did not lie. She wasn’t popular, few people voted for her, so it stands to reason that she has to go.

Simon Cowell’s one problem now is that his ability to wear two different hats is badly compromised. During the week the newspapers are full of backstage reports of Simon changing something that he doesn’t like, Simon insisting that something else should happen or Simon changing the theme on a whim. The fact is that X Factor is his show, he calls the shots throughout and everyone else dances to his tune yet when it comes to judging the acts we are expected to believe he suddenly becomes the impartial evaluator of talent, assessing each performance on its musical merits with little regard to any plans he might have had about the direction the competition could take. His ability to keep up this pretence was surely hit last week when despite many public pronouncements about what a disaster the twins were for the show and how he could emigrate if they won, he still did not remove them from the show the first time an opportunity to do so presented itself. On balance, you can understand why so many people are asking questions and coming up with strange conspiracy theories.

So sit down to watch the show this week suspecting that we will see a new, contrite and analytical Simon Cowell. He has to upsell himself as a judge and downplay his role as producer. Or maybe something unexpected will happen to create a brand new set of headlines…

The first thing we learn this week: there is no part of “It’s the X Factor Queen night – with Dermot O’Leary” that doesn’t sound funny. On any level. The show begins by offering Simon a few minutes of airtime to explain himself and his actions six days ago, although he spends most of it throwing down the gauntlet to Sting and suggesting he should help the contestants out rather than condemning them. I’m happy with this, just as long as it doesn’t mean “lute week” for the semi final or something.

Disco Stu gets to worship at the font of Messrs May and Taylor first, the game of “who’s got the silliest haircut” he played with Brian May presumably taking place before the cameras are switched on. His song of choice is ‘Radio Gaga’ and we are told time and time again that he wants to avoid coming across as some kind of bad Freddie tribute act. Or “Queen with Paul Rodgers” as I believe they are commonly known. Refreshingly this wasn’t a tribute act, nor was it particularly terrible. He took his time warming up to it but by the end the crowd were on their feet. A good start.

“Pyro excites me” says Dannii during the judging. Odd, I thought it used to be Canadian racing drivers. Tastes change I guess.

NotGazza steps up to the plate next. Cheryl promises us a “cheeky” performance, as the crushing weight of dramatic irony threatens to swamp the universe. All will become clear. The man with the white hair trots out ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love’. Cheeky? Yes. Tuneful? No. Notice that you struggled to sing along with this whilst watching at home? This is because he was a semitone sharp almost the whole way through in a manner which was at times quite excruciating. Whilst waiting for someone other than me to point this out I finally spotted that the X Factor format almost requires the judges to critique the performance as a whole rather than the actual singing. You will notice that there is no equivalent of say a Randy Jackson who will pull a face and so “I dunno dawg, for me that was a bit pitchy for me that was”. Hence the poor singers are never really pulled up on their technical inadequacies. Yes it is nicer, but it does mean that people who can’t really hold a tune ride through sometimes at the expense of people who can sing. Fine in theory, except on those occasions (hello Leon Jackson) when a non-singer wins and this bites them on the bottom.

I mentioned arses again. Almost as if it is foreshadowing something. Also, have you noticed how Cheryl constantly glances down at her notes when delivering her reviews? Even when she is saying nice things about her own acts.

Moving on, and to sing next is new competition favourite NiceBloke. His big news of the week is the hand injury he has suffered whilst in the X Factor gym. It means he spends every rehearsal wearing a sling, making slick choreography rather tricky this week. If you don’t mind, I’m going to pretend he has actually suffered some kind of bizarre wanking injury as it makes the whole thing even funnier.

Tonight he is singing ‘Don’t Stop Me Now' but this ends up being just a little bit of a letdown. It is a huge song to sing and he is by no means the first person ever to be totally swamped by the song and almost lost on the stage. Pleasingly Dannii makes the same point mere moments after I’ve written the above in my notes which does at least mean that one of us knows what we are talking about. Meanwhile the wanking knuckle injury is elevated to “nearly broke your arm” by the time we get round to Simon’s comments and he is required to make excuses for the poor performance of one of his acts.

The regrettable but sadly inevitable parade of boys continues with Ken who has chosen ‘Somebody To Love’. In the deserted theatre of celebrity worship, May and Taylor purse their lips and tell him what a hard song it is which sets this up to be a car crash. Except it isn’t. His rendition is everything the last chap wasn’t. Showing a side of him he never has before he delivers this in a powerful, confident manner and even hits the long sustain into the bridge without so much as a wobble. If it does fall to me to start critiquing the singing then I’m pleased to report this was almost inch perfect. Best of the night honours are surely going to go his way.

Louis grumpily complains about the choir that joined him onstage, for reasons that are not quite clear. Simon says he was better last week. I shout at the TV that last week is irrelevant before realising they are in Zone 4 on the tube map and can’t hear me.

So it comes to this. Fresh from Stacey-gate are the Malfoy Twins. I’m going to skip over the “we met Queen. The Band not The Queen” gap in their intro VT as this was clearly scripted as part of a new campaign to endear them to the public. Some of us aren’t so easily fooled you know.

Their carefully chosen (to mask their inadequacies) song is ‘Ice Ice Baby’, er.. I mean ‘Under Pressure’, although the joke is spoiled when they wind up doing a cute hybrid of both songs. As seen on the last Westlife tour I’m told. Wonder who came up with that idea. First of all we should note that as a performance, this was knockout wonderful. I’m not sure what it was. Whether it was the revelation that they make better rappers than dancers or whether it was the fact that the staging meant they toned down that annoying little jig dance that they always wind up doing, I’m not sure. All I do know is that for a brief four minutes it was worth forgetting everything that had gone before and appreciating the pair in a whole new light. Now that took some doing.

Sadly for them, this won’t be the reason the performance was remembered. The headlines will belong to a stage invader (quickly revealed to be planned studio guest Calvin Harris) who makes his bid for Jarvis Cocker-esque infamy by dancing around with a pineapple on his head before pointing his rear end towards the camera and then exiting stage left. Some swift camera work ensures it was a blink and you’ll miss it moment, but the wonder of the internet means that screen captures of the whole thing were being swapped left right and centre within moments of the performance.

If he had tried to disrupt them being awful it might have been funnier. As it was, as a timely intervention this was right up there with the time during my university years when the rag society hijacked a Union meeting, just as they were discussing a recent campus suicide.

We’ll move on to the lady who is quite blatantly the only womb-packing contestant left - Dagenham Doris. She performs ‘Who Wants To Live Forever’ which turns out to be an inspired choice. For the first time since, well pretty much the first audition show, she gets to break out the “new Leona” persona that made her an instant favourite after the very first show on the series. Can I change my mind about best of the night? This was rich, classy and actually not a little bit moving. The panel shower her with praise, meaning we get to see her looking really happy over and over again. The downside being that it hits home how much her “I am really pleased” face is exactly the same as everybody else’s “I am doing a large poo” face.

To bring up the rear if you’ll pardon the ever more appropriate pun, here comes Arsehyl who is apparently still on the horns of the “too cocky or not to cocky” dilemma. OneHalfOfQueen reassure him that most people believed that Freddie Mercury was cocky and arrogant and it didn’t let him bother him. Although Freddie also had lost of unprotected promiscuous sex and didn’t let that bother him either, and look where that got him. Not that Arsehyl will fall into that trap, unless he takes Cheryl’s cooing over his close cropped haircut at face value.

What’s that? Oh yes, his song. ‘We Are The Champions’. It was only OK, and Dermot has just reminded me that we have to endure this year’s charity ensemble record tomorrow night and so we’ve finished on a downer.

We’re left at the end of this performance night with three big questions unanswered:

1. Who is for the bullet? I’d go for NotGazza in all honesty.
2. What is the “big Queen surprise” that they teased.
3. What is the technical TV term for the “emergency wide shot of extreme panic” that the director cut to when Calvin Harris started waving pineapples around?

On that last question, I’ll consult a TV director friend and report back tomorrow. In the meantime I’ll leave you with a clip of the Twitscoop cloud from moments after the show ended. The bigger the word, the more popular it is. Can you guess what the real talking point of tonight was?